Appendicitis, a stroke, heart attack . . . by dinner time the list of reasons for the day's evacuation read
like a medical dictionary. Every theory was stated as fact and every fact was accompanied by some
phoney corroboration. "The lady in the next cabin says that the doctor told her friend . . . ," "The chap
who drinks in here each evening, he's got a friend on deck nine who was a physician and he saw the
patient . . ."
Someone asserted that the woman had no insurance and that the bill for the evacuation alone would
be £35,000. By the fourth drink some were certain that it was a man and that he was perfectly fit but
had been taken off because he made an improper suggestion to the saxophonist. A salacious sub-group
followed this lead with enthusiasm.
---OOO---
"Did you miss us last night?" enquired Margaret who, together with Lorna had eaten in the Secret Garden which was offering Indonesian cuisine.
"Of course."
"Well, it was our mistake the food was terribly hot. Everything had peppers or chillies in it. We would have been better eating here with you."
"There you go we're better company than a hot curry," quipped James.
"Did you see the helicopter?"
"Yes, quite dramatic. Must be terrifying being winched up."
"You know that everyone's being told that it was medical. Well I have it on good authority that it was a man who had propositioned the saxophonist with a very rude suggestion," asserted Margaret with a journalist's pride in a scoop.
"No, it was a medical problem," countered Lorna, "My friend said that the doctor's wife had told her that it was the sedated lady who was becoming more and more distressed. Anyway we had a pervert on a cruise I did a few years ago. We called him Roy the Perve."
Margaret looked expectantly, awaiting more details. "Do go on, what did he do?."
"I don't think he did anything. We just didn't like the look of him. He was creepy."
"What do you mean creepy?"
"Well he parted his hair on his right for a start and he always sat in the front row at the shows and wore a lot of cheap cologne."
"I can picture him," said Margaret imaginatively. "What did you do?"
"Well we reported him but they didn't do anything."
"What did you report him for? The cologne? The hair?" James was incredulous.
"Of course not. One afternoon I caught him looking at me. He was reading his book and every time I looked up he was peeping at me over the top of the book."
"Well you're a very attractive woman," said James trying to lighten the conversation.
"I know that but he was terribly ugly."
---OOO---
Library seats were at a premium once again. The puzzlers puzzled, the readers read and the dozers tried to doze. It was the dice players who provided insomnia. In fact it was one whose style was noisy and obtrusive. When the cup was passed to him he would begin his routine. The cup would be tapped three times on the table to a chorus of "Come to daddy, come to daddy, come to daddy." Then the shaking began, a savagely repeated morse "U" - dot dot dash, dot dot dash . . . "Im gonna shake the spots off" and then, in time with the shaking, "no more spots, no more spots . . " At the climax of this performance he brought the cup down hard on the table as if he was trying to punch a hole through the baize and plywood of the games table. Starting as a whisper and building to a crescendo, "Coooooooooooooooooooome on." and then the cup was lifted and the dice revealed. He then slumped back into his chair, exhausted. The puzzlers puzzled, the readers read and the dozers retired to the bar. The premium no longer applied to library chairs at least until the dice man went for lunch.
---OOO---
"Did you miss us last night?" enquired Margaret who, together with Lorna had eaten in the Secret Garden which was offering Indonesian cuisine.
"Of course."
"Well, it was our mistake the food was terribly hot. Everything had peppers or chillies in it. We would have been better eating here with you."
"There you go we're better company than a hot curry," quipped James.
"Did you see the helicopter?"
"Yes, quite dramatic. Must be terrifying being winched up."
"You know that everyone's being told that it was medical. Well I have it on good authority that it was a man who had propositioned the saxophonist with a very rude suggestion," asserted Margaret with a journalist's pride in a scoop.
"No, it was a medical problem," countered Lorna, "My friend said that the doctor's wife had told her that it was the sedated lady who was becoming more and more distressed. Anyway we had a pervert on a cruise I did a few years ago. We called him Roy the Perve."
Margaret looked expectantly, awaiting more details. "Do go on, what did he do?."
"I don't think he did anything. We just didn't like the look of him. He was creepy."
"What do you mean creepy?"
"Well he parted his hair on his right for a start and he always sat in the front row at the shows and wore a lot of cheap cologne."
"I can picture him," said Margaret imaginatively. "What did you do?"
"Well we reported him but they didn't do anything."
"What did you report him for? The cologne? The hair?" James was incredulous.
"Of course not. One afternoon I caught him looking at me. He was reading his book and every time I looked up he was peeping at me over the top of the book."
"Well you're a very attractive woman," said James trying to lighten the conversation.
"I know that but he was terribly ugly."
---OOO---
Library seats were at a premium once again. The puzzlers puzzled, the readers read and the dozers tried to doze. It was the dice players who provided insomnia. In fact it was one whose style was noisy and obtrusive. When the cup was passed to him he would begin his routine. The cup would be tapped three times on the table to a chorus of "Come to daddy, come to daddy, come to daddy." Then the shaking began, a savagely repeated morse "U" - dot dot dash, dot dot dash . . . "Im gonna shake the spots off" and then, in time with the shaking, "no more spots, no more spots . . " At the climax of this performance he brought the cup down hard on the table as if he was trying to punch a hole through the baize and plywood of the games table. Starting as a whisper and building to a crescendo, "Coooooooooooooooooooome on." and then the cup was lifted and the dice revealed. He then slumped back into his chair, exhausted. The puzzlers puzzled, the readers read and the dozers retired to the bar. The premium no longer applied to library chairs at least until the dice man went for lunch.
---OOO---
There has been an art class during the afternoons of the sea days. Brian the art master had a Cornish
voice like sea-smoothed granite and hailed from Mousehole. Tuition centred around watercolours and,
on the antepenultimate sea day, his pupils' work was put on display outside two of the lounges. Some
pictures were accomplished, some had the charm of the naive but a few were darkly disturbing. One
pupil had produced a series of caricatures in silhouette of West Indians that were reminiscent of those
Edwardian cartoons about life in the colonies. Another had some sort of fixation with the larger lady -
badly executed in a vulgar and prurient pastiche of Beryl Cook. Some others offended the eye because
of the subject matter but generally the exhibits were admirable.
The fellow who had made it clear that his cartoons were not for sale had not gone to the art class and so the tutor had not put his pictures on display but, undaunted he bullied Brian into relinquishing the remains of his blu-tac and proceeded to add some of his cartoons to the show. When Brian had gone to finish the other display, a number of the cartoons were swapped with watercolours to give them more prominent positions.
"Have you seen this?" the cartoonist asked a couple who were quietly enjoying the pictures as he pointed to his cartoon that seems to depict a map of some bird shaped islands and was captioned "The Canaries".
"Yes," she replied without realising that she was speaking to the self-styled Gerald Scarfe, "They're very strange, these cartoons. It's hard to believe that the artist went to any of the lessons."
"But look the islands, they're in the shape of canaries." The cartoonist beamed.
"Quite but how strange. The Islands are named after the latin for dogs."
His crest had fallen so far that he seemed to stumble over it as he headed off to the bar. However he was back thirty minutes later, resilient in his self-esteem.
---OOO---
"The seas are rough to very rough," the ship's captain announced leaving many passengers staring out of the windows wondering if the captain was on the same ship. A lazy, rolling swell from the North Atlantic lifted the ship and set her down again as gently as a mother lays her baby in a crib.
---OOO---
The air-conditioning had been turned down and the inside temperature had risen giving the lunchtime gin a somnolent quality through which the pre-lunch conversations buzzed lazily.
At the table behind, two couples were comparing their experiences of the cruise.
"Well have you enjoyed the trip?"
"Overall it's been pretty good."
"What about the Amazon?"
"Well it was all right. It's good to be able to say we've been but we wouldn't go back."
"I know what you mean, it was very uncomfortable: the heat and humidity." Had they really expected it to be like a spring walk in the Chilterns?
"We went to the Jungle Lodge and stayed away. That was OK but they expected us to get up at 4:30 in the morning to go in a rickety canoe across a lake to see the sun rise. Marjorie feigned illness and was excused boots."
"How odd, we went to the Eco-Park and stayed a night away as well."
"What was that like?"
"Desperately uncomfortable. The restaurant didn't even have walls - anything could fly in and steal your dinner. The sunrise tour was an option which we didn't do. A few people did - they must have been mad."
"It would have been better if they had cut wider tracks through the forest and then taken us in Range Rovers - it would have been cool, comfortable and we would have seen just as much wildlife. As it was we saw hardly any animals, a couple of birds and a load of creepy-crawlies."
"Ah, we had the bug man with us which was good - while the guide did the birds and trees he told us about the moths and butterflies and things. Cor, he must have been up all night. He was still prowling around after we left the bar and apparently he was at the landing stage waiting for the sunrise tour to leave!"
The fellow who had made it clear that his cartoons were not for sale had not gone to the art class and so the tutor had not put his pictures on display but, undaunted he bullied Brian into relinquishing the remains of his blu-tac and proceeded to add some of his cartoons to the show. When Brian had gone to finish the other display, a number of the cartoons were swapped with watercolours to give them more prominent positions.
"Have you seen this?" the cartoonist asked a couple who were quietly enjoying the pictures as he pointed to his cartoon that seems to depict a map of some bird shaped islands and was captioned "The Canaries".
"Yes," she replied without realising that she was speaking to the self-styled Gerald Scarfe, "They're very strange, these cartoons. It's hard to believe that the artist went to any of the lessons."
"But look the islands, they're in the shape of canaries." The cartoonist beamed.
"Quite but how strange. The Islands are named after the latin for dogs."
His crest had fallen so far that he seemed to stumble over it as he headed off to the bar. However he was back thirty minutes later, resilient in his self-esteem.
---OOO---
"The seas are rough to very rough," the ship's captain announced leaving many passengers staring out of the windows wondering if the captain was on the same ship. A lazy, rolling swell from the North Atlantic lifted the ship and set her down again as gently as a mother lays her baby in a crib.
---OOO---
The air-conditioning had been turned down and the inside temperature had risen giving the lunchtime gin a somnolent quality through which the pre-lunch conversations buzzed lazily.
At the table behind, two couples were comparing their experiences of the cruise.
"Well have you enjoyed the trip?"
"Overall it's been pretty good."
"What about the Amazon?"
"Well it was all right. It's good to be able to say we've been but we wouldn't go back."
"I know what you mean, it was very uncomfortable: the heat and humidity." Had they really expected it to be like a spring walk in the Chilterns?
"We went to the Jungle Lodge and stayed away. That was OK but they expected us to get up at 4:30 in the morning to go in a rickety canoe across a lake to see the sun rise. Marjorie feigned illness and was excused boots."
"How odd, we went to the Eco-Park and stayed a night away as well."
"What was that like?"
"Desperately uncomfortable. The restaurant didn't even have walls - anything could fly in and steal your dinner. The sunrise tour was an option which we didn't do. A few people did - they must have been mad."
"It would have been better if they had cut wider tracks through the forest and then taken us in Range Rovers - it would have been cool, comfortable and we would have seen just as much wildlife. As it was we saw hardly any animals, a couple of birds and a load of creepy-crawlies."
"Ah, we had the bug man with us which was good - while the guide did the birds and trees he told us about the moths and butterflies and things. Cor, he must have been up all night. He was still prowling around after we left the bar and apparently he was at the landing stage waiting for the sunrise tour to leave!"
"It was a good idea of the cruise company to have him on board but maybe he should have done one
day at your Eco-place and one day with us or they could have had two of them on board."
If the air-con had been as cool as it had previously been they would have felt the heat coming off two burning ears.
If the air-con had been as cool as it had previously been they would have felt the heat coming off two burning ears.
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